‘Gifted’ Potato Chip Wins 2018 Aussie Sharemarket Game In World First

Companies and indices mentioned:

Heralded by some sharemarket happy clappers as the ‘new testament’ of the Australian investing circuit, a ‘gifted’ potato chip has won the country’s most prestigious stock picking competition.

Backed by a reputable and conflicted Australian bank, the gruelling 12-day stock-picking competition is renowned for turning Australia’s brightest young traders and investors into overconfident social blights.

Look Out, Paul The Octopus

In a controversial twist for 2018’s competition, a ‘gifted’ potato chip topped the competitive tables with a “superb” 1.96% return.

Dropbear spoke exclusively to the competition’s chief organiser, North Eastern University’s distinguished finance Professor Ron Klump, 87.

Speaking from the bank-backed, ‘Centre For Financial Advisers Who Can’t Read Good‘, Professor Klump said this year’s competition was extraordinarily successful, with many of the gifted youngsters earmarked for jobs at major investment banks.

“This year we had 1,400 fierce competitors, each filled with heaps of positive masculinity,” Klump explains.

“Each went through a rigorous compliance process, independently verified by bank-aligned diploma-qualified lawyers.”

Dropbear reached out to the potato chip’s owner, who says she is incredibly proud of what ‘little chip’ was able to accomplish in such a short period of time.

“Who would have thought randomly dropping a potato chip on the AFR’s stock pages to pick my investments would have worked so well?” chip owner, Denise Love, commented.

“Either little chip is brilliant, or the finance industry is filled with sub-average humans.”

Dropbear understands the chip is in contention for Macquarie’s CEO role, which makes sense — it’s logo is a silver doughnut.

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Please note: In case you hadn’t noticed, the Dropbear column is Rask Media’s satirical publication (that means it’s funny stuff, not true and you shouldn’t take it seriously). Sometimes, humour is the only way to reach gumnuts. Email [email protected] to submit a breaking news story. 

Dropbear Genuis

Dropbear Genuis

I'm Rask Dropbear, the editor-in-chief of #fakenews. I write 'funny finance stuff', 'things that shouldn't be trusted' and #fakenews. Jump into the garden and grab yourself a handful of eucalyptus.