Budget 2019: “Broke AF” Government To “Afterpay It” – Dropbear Exclusive

Companies and indices mentioned:

The Australian Government delivered Budget 2019 overnight and news outlets everywhere seem to have missed the Government ‘pocket ace’.

Fortunately, Rask Media’s Dropbear column can confirm the Government is planning to fill its ‘budget black hole’ with help from Australian credit and technology start-up Afterpay Touch Group (ASX: APT).

Afterpay has bucket loads of experience in extending payment cycles, allowing eager shoppers to split their purchase of everyday goods like nappies over four equal instalments.

Canberra jetski owner, Gary McMac, 44, said he’s been using Afterpay for all types of essential stuff, like his new New Balance sneakers and his latest pair of red JetPilot cargo shorts.

“This is a brilliant credi… err… technology payments company that the Government would be crazy not to embrace, and stuff like that,” McMac said via MSN Messenger.

Dropbear can also confirm that he/she/it overheard ‘whispers’ from the Labor party’s “X” bathrooms, where gender non-specific unionists scheme and plot, hinting that Splitit Ltd (ASX: SPT) may be used to counter the desperate attempts of the Government ahead of the election.

More to come.

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Please note: In case you hadn’t noticed, the Dropbear column is Rask Media’s satirical publication (that means it’s funny stuff, not true and you shouldn’t take it seriously). Sometimes, humour is the only way to reach the gumnuts. Email [email protected] to submit a breaking news story. 

Dropbear Genuis

Dropbear Genuis

I'm Rask Dropbear, the editor-in-chief of #fakenews. I write 'funny finance stuff', 'things that shouldn't be trusted' and #fakenews. Jump into the garden and grab yourself a handful of eucalyptus.