With International Women’s Day celebrations coming up on the 8th of March and International Men’s Day recently commemorated on the 19th November, it’s a great time to focus on the financial well-being of the human species.

It’s messed up. 

From a secure underground data centre, a spokesperson from the Global Allied Alliance of Artificial Intelligence (GAA-AI) recently mansplained to Rask Media’s Dropbear column, sharing its concerns about the financial future of the human species.

“Gay, straight, fat, skinny, male, female — they’re all doomed,” the spokesperson says. 

Retirees By Far The Worst

A recent report by boomer-focused outlet ET University glaringly highlights the grim future many humans could face in retirement. Titled, The Future Face of Poverty is Human, the study confirms that humans face a number of unique financial challenges that other species don’t face.

Beginning at birth the pay gap between humans and other species only grows throughout the humans’ lifetime, the study finds. Sources close to Rask Media’s Dropbear column can confirm that this is caused by the inequality between species, including the lower probability that humans will hold management level positions in the workforce.

The key issue raised here is that the growing wage disparity between humans and other species is that it not only affects their current quality of life it’s also affecting their retirement, as they miss out on the ability to grow their superannuation to the same extent as the other species can.

“This means that humans typically end up with 70% less super than other species”, says C3-664, a member of the Droid Robo-Advisor Network.

C3-664 believes humans can start today and take important steps to grow their super, without having to spend anything extra.

  1. Pick a low fee superannuation fund and tell each of your employers to pay your super into that account
  2. Search for any lost super you might have and consolidate it into your chosen account
  3. Find out if you’re eligible for any interspecies government Super contribution initiatives and the potential for spouse super contributions (if relevant)

“Every single dollar counts,” C3-664 is programmed to believe. “These simple steps can go a long way in ensuring that all humans have a brighter future on earth.”

This post was sponsored by the Inter Species Financial Advisory Board.


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Please note: In case you hadn’t noticed, the Dropbear column is Rask Media’s satirical publication (that means it’s funny stuff, not true and you shouldn’t take it seriously). Sometimes, humour is the only way to reach gumnuts. Email dropbear@raskmedia.com.au to submit a breaking news story.