ASX Day Trader ‘happy to provide liquidity for people who actually make money’

Companies and indices mentioned:

Brisbane-bound ASX share trader Gavin Perch, 31, says he’s happy to do what it takes if it means he can justify quitting his reliable “but boring” job at the local hardware.

Speaking to Rask Media’s Dropbear column from behind 4x 42-inch computer monitors powered by Jim’s Tagging-approved double-adapters, Perch thinks of himself a ‘market altruist’.

“Deep down all day traders know we’re looking for an excuse not to get a stable job,” Perch lets on without looking away from his monitors. “And while I’ve only got four-under-five I figure I can help out.”

“Afterall”, he adds, “the market needs people like me to make sure people who actually know what they’re doing can get liquidity.”

When asked for details on his trading strategy, Perch assured us it was 100% legal but refused to go into detail.

Dropbear later learned Perch’s twitter feed is littered with screenshots of “actual trade balances” and the occasional picture of a remote-controlled monster truck.

When we quizzed him about his top tips for beginners, Perch has three rules he swears by:

  1. Fundamental and index investing are a lie. “No-one has ever got rich from it”.
  2. Always win back your losses.
  3. The earth is flat

More to come.

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Please note: In case you hadn’t noticed, the Dropbear column is Rask Media’s satirical publication (that means it’s funny stuff, not true and you shouldn’t take it seriously). Sometimes, humour is the only way to reach gumnuts. Email [email protected] to submit a breaking news story. 

Dropbear Genuis

Dropbear Genuis

I'm Rask Dropbear, the editor-in-chief of #fakenews. I write 'funny finance stuff', 'things that shouldn't be trusted' and #fakenews. Jump into the garden and grab yourself a handful of eucalyptus.