Dropbear Weekender is proud to present Raskmedia’s PoorList 2018.

Australia’s 5 Poorest People 2018 – Revealed

If I do say so myself, it’s harder than it looks to find Australia’s 5 poorest people. Given that none of them file a tax return, most can’t be bothered waiting in line at Centrelink and few of them have an address, it was bloody hard work.

While other phony publications focus on ‘the 1%’ or ‘rich list’, Dropbear should be commended for busting his little paws to sift through the undesirables in the forgotten 99%.

No. 5 – Bozo Spanks

Part-time window licker, Bozo Spanks, is “a bloody legend” according to tomato sauces close to the Tasmanian.

Coming in at number 5, Tasmanian shaman Bozo Spanks, 27, was born into moderate wealth but wanted to change the world. Despite graduating with a PhD in fine arts, Dr Bozo wishes he became a labourer instead.

No. 4 – Mabelle Loreal

Mabelle Loreal, 36 (but looks older), 5’5″, caucasian, mouse brown brunette, loves FIRE.

Mabelle Loreal, 36, was a pioneer on the Aussie ‘FIRE’ (financially independent, retire early) circuit way back in 1996.

After landing a job at Woolies when she was 16, Mabelle took home around about exactly $218.22 in her first week. Consistent with her FIRE philosophy, she knew she had enough to retire early.

Loreal has since started an anonymous blog sharing her secrets.

No. 3 – Lulu Lemon

Lemon, 37, impulsive and self-assured, lost it all on crypto.

Bullied at school by the resident Kookaburra, Lemon, 38, has always felt the need to act out and slip into activewear before heading to a trendy cafe.

Naturally, when the ATO approved the use of Super to buy crypto, he was on it like a rash.

“It’s wasn’t easy to lose all of my money in 2018,” a sour Lemon admits. “I had to give up on my full-time job, join an exclusive Facebook group and put it all in my secure digital wallet.”

No 2 – Joseph Mercer

Mercer receives a tax refund from the government because he’s “a poor person”.

Retired and dependent only on his dividends from his $2.4 million self-managed super fund, Mercer, 71, says he’ll be “practically living below the poverty line if those Labor bastards get their franking credits policy through parliament”.

Having recently attended an arts and crafts day held by a reputable Australian fund manager, the geriatric is fed up with doing it tough.

No 1 – Mario Chanel 

“Don’t go to school”, says serial entreprenuer Mario Chanel.

“Don’t go to school”.

That’s the advice from serial entrepreneur and 2018 poorlister gold medalist, Mario Chanel. The son of a semi-moderately somewhat successful Amway business owner from Cairns, Chanel caught the “business bug” from his parents who had “the entreprenuerial spirit”.

“Getting 14 likes a year isn’t easy,” Chanel tells his schoolmates over a smashed avo and turmeric latte. Chanel has officially sold 1 t-shirt from his new range.

“Not bad for four years’ work!”

Chanel was last seen cruising the internet in Officeworks.

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Please note: In case you hadn’t noticed, the Dropbear column is Rask Media’s satirical publication (that means it’s funny stuff, not true and you shouldn’t take it seriously). Sometimes, humour is the only way to reach gumnuts. Email dropbear@raskmedia.com.au to submit a breaking news story.